Wave of Emotions

Girls have so many emotions. I mean after being married to Tim, I realize that guys have more emotions than I thought they did. But no where NEAR the same intensity that I feel them.

I'm sitting here in Moncks Corner crying. Many things lead up to this sudden outbreak of tears, none of which relate to one another.

1. Tim and I got into a horrible car accident Sunday night. Every ones fine besides being a little sore. It was like a scene straight off of COPS. I thought for sure I was going to be seriously injured. But the thing that haunts me the most is when the cop handcuffed the man and placed him into his car. His little 12-13 year old girl was crying and screaming "Where are you going daddy?" Her mother had just died 6 weeks prior.
Wow could you feel any worse than that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach? What happened to her? How many children are out there whose daddy's and mommy's are going to be taken away? I can't get this image out of my head.

2. I'm alone. My dad just walked out the door a few moments ago to go speak at another church. I felt this fog of quietness fall on the house. And suddenly I am by myself. With no way out. I'm stuck. I don't have a car (see #1) and I live way too far from anyone or anything. I hate this feeling.
Wasn't marriage supposed to stop all feelings of loneliness. HA, if anything I think it made it worse. Now I know what true connection is, so when you're apart its like you are being ripped in two.

3. I was looking at pictures of Nicaragua and some old friends. That life is over. Poof no more childhood. Not even a trace of what could have been my childhood. I can't go back and visit my old house, sleep on my own bed, play with my own dogs. Nothing, its all gone.

WHO AM I??!?!? My dad and I were talking about gifts the other day. I pointed out what I thought were my spiritual gifts, and he pointed out that I really don't know what they are. Great...then what am I? what is my purpose?

I can't wait for this step in life to be over. I want to find what God has for me, and do it. I don't like wasting time...sitting in a big lonely house. I want to be apart of the world. How can I do this when I am so afraid of this world?? I know things happen for a reason. People get thrown in jail, car accidents happen, people move, and life changes. It sure seems like I have enough "happenings" in my life for 10 people.