Dating Anniversary Revelations

Three years ago, on the October 25th Tim and I started dating. I just realized this yesterday.... and then I had a mental meltdown. This life is so different from three years ago. Who is this housewife? What happened to the young, energized, adventurous Candi? Is that what happens when you get married, you get old?
I'm 22! That's crazy young, and right now I'm cleaning the living room, washing dishes, and washing the clothes all while watching "Everybody Loves Raymond". I might as well put on a apron and some pearls and call it a day!

As you know, I'm only joking. Really my mental meltdown wasn't because I'm old. In all seriousness I was being a grouch because I was the one cleaning the house and not Tim. And to top that off I couldn't find anything to wear. (I know, somebody call the waaaabulance)
Whats sad is that I took it off on Tim. I called to yell at him periodically during the day, like a good wife would do. You know those arguments that he can never win. *sigh* My favorite kind.

Go figure that my devotion would be on taming your tongue. After much refusal to admit my wrong, I finally called Tim to apologize. I think that's one of my hardest lessons. I always speak whatever comes to my mind. But one day I'm going to be held accountable for all those things I've said. Ever since yesterday I've been constantly quoting Psalm 19:14 in hope that the Lord will show me when to speak, and when to be quiet.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Oh Lord." Psalm 19:14

Rainy Days

I must be a romantic. I love to read, paint, write, bake, and snuggle on rainy days. Its so relaxing to the soul. I also like to reflect on my life. And I just want to say...sorry whoever is reading this because I have the best life anyone could ask for!

My parents are amazing. I am going to miss them so much when they leave. You would think I wouldn't be able to stand them after living with them the past several months. Truth is, I love being at this stage. Because my parents are like friends and mentors. I feel like I finally respect who they are (of course there are the occational arguments) but I finally get to know them as people and not just parents. They are really fun and lively people, you'd think they were 20 all over again! Its going to be really hard not having them here for four years. Thank the Lord for technology!

I also love to think of my husband. Last night he looked at me and basically told me that he was proud of who I am. Satan began attacking our marriage through our dreams. Putting temptations that don't belong in our hearts. Tim and I come together as a team and fight with prayer every night before we sleep. I love having a husband who not only cares about me, but my dreams! We have not had a "nightmare" since. Isn't the Lord amazing? I am at awe that when I ask to be rescued the Lord answers my call! What is a marriage without Jesus?!!? How can it survive?!!?

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

Search me and Know me

One of the good things about having so much down time, is that you have plenty of time to read. I love reading. Especially on a day like today. Rainy, chilly, snuggled up in a blanket, with a cup of hot chocolate!

I've been reading a devotional book. It speaks very simply, but it speaks allot of truth. The book shows you how to uncover your sins. I've been praying and letting God search my heart. The thing is, is that I've noticed so much sin. I never realized it was so big. Its in everything I do. So what do I do with this knowledge?!?! Now that I know what my sins are, I see them everywhere. I sin more now, then I did before I knew. I know this isn't true. Its just that I'm recognizing the sins I've been doing all along.

I heard this great quote.
"For every time you think of yourself, think three times of Christ"

The more I look into myself and my own flaws, I forget what Christ came for. Once I start thinking about the price He paid for me, then I realize what a sinner He came to save. I have to stop thinking about my failure, and start looking towards the love of Christ.

Wave of Emotions

Girls have so many emotions. I mean after being married to Tim, I realize that guys have more emotions than I thought they did. But no where NEAR the same intensity that I feel them.

I'm sitting here in Moncks Corner crying. Many things lead up to this sudden outbreak of tears, none of which relate to one another.

1. Tim and I got into a horrible car accident Sunday night. Every ones fine besides being a little sore. It was like a scene straight off of COPS. I thought for sure I was going to be seriously injured. But the thing that haunts me the most is when the cop handcuffed the man and placed him into his car. His little 12-13 year old girl was crying and screaming "Where are you going daddy?" Her mother had just died 6 weeks prior.
Wow could you feel any worse than that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach? What happened to her? How many children are out there whose daddy's and mommy's are going to be taken away? I can't get this image out of my head.

2. I'm alone. My dad just walked out the door a few moments ago to go speak at another church. I felt this fog of quietness fall on the house. And suddenly I am by myself. With no way out. I'm stuck. I don't have a car (see #1) and I live way too far from anyone or anything. I hate this feeling.
Wasn't marriage supposed to stop all feelings of loneliness. HA, if anything I think it made it worse. Now I know what true connection is, so when you're apart its like you are being ripped in two.

3. I was looking at pictures of Nicaragua and some old friends. That life is over. Poof no more childhood. Not even a trace of what could have been my childhood. I can't go back and visit my old house, sleep on my own bed, play with my own dogs. Nothing, its all gone.

WHO AM I??!?!? My dad and I were talking about gifts the other day. I pointed out what I thought were my spiritual gifts, and he pointed out that I really don't know what they are. Great...then what am I? what is my purpose?

I can't wait for this step in life to be over. I want to find what God has for me, and do it. I don't like wasting time...sitting in a big lonely house. I want to be apart of the world. How can I do this when I am so afraid of this world?? I know things happen for a reason. People get thrown in jail, car accidents happen, people move, and life changes. It sure seems like I have enough "happenings" in my life for 10 people.

Goodbyes

I thought I was over with goodbyes, isn't that why I came to America?

Actually I always knew deep down that I would never be over with goodbyes. First of all, its embedded in my life. There is no escaping it. Second of all, I'm choosing a lifestyle FULL of goodbyes. Third of all, this means a good amount of my friends will be choosing the same lifestyle.

Its funny, Tim never really had to say goodbye. I'm sure this is hitting him like a ton of bricks. He better get used to it!

I hated (and I mean HATED) goodbyes growing up. I felt trapped in a room of forever goodbyes. Mom and dad choose the lifestyle, not me. Why did I have to take part in the ritual? I guess as a pre-teen everything seems exagerated. There was even a time in my life when I refused to make friends, just because I already knew we would leave them. (sucky life, I know!) I eventually grew up. I realized that I would have the most boring life sitting alone in my room.
I also realized that I wanted life full of goodbyes. New and more adventures.

Now I find myself lucky. I've experienced so much. I have friends all over the world. You know what, I wouldn't give up goodbyes for anything. With every goodbye, theres another hello.

Things I Love!

Here is a list of the things that make my heart happy during the summertime.

1. Cupcakes. Tiny little precious cakes, and so yummy!

2. Puppies. Not sure what this has to do with summer, but who doesn't like puppies year round!

3. Fresh Flowers. Preferably bright colors!

4. Summer dresses. mmm sunshine!

5. Swimming. Really, anything to do with water.

Summertime and the livin is easy!!!

Growing up

How can you really be the best you can be? Every time you think you've made it...someone comes along to show you how much you really haven't.

I guess I'll never be the wife I want to be. I mean, I have some good qualities. I'm encouraging, loving, adventurous, and of course super funny. HA. But I'm definitely not the servant I wish to be. My wonderful father decided to point this out to me. Twice.

I must have a princess persona. Tim was born a servant. It comes so naturally to him. Growing up my family always called me "Queen of the Universe" because it always had to be my way. I guess I carried that over into marriage. I thought I grew out of it, and maybe in some ways I have. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I was young. But to hear my dad say something like that again, made my heart stop for a second.
Am I not helping enough?
Should I do more?
Will Tim get tired of me?
Am I a good wife?

I hate being looked at the same way I was back then. I sure hope I've grown since then. I'm trying my hardest to be the best wife I can be. I know my dad says things he doesn't mean, but for some reason it always gets to me. Maybe its hard for parents to see you as anything different than what you were when you were young.

I guess the only person who really matters is my husband. No matter what, I should always strive to be a better person than the day before. You shouldn't ignore the things people say about you, sometimes they might be true. You can learn and grow from it.